Saturday, January 25

Beautiful Goodbye.

Conversations our eyes shared.
Know that your beautiful goodbye was not left unseen.
I smiled. (and jumped in excitement in my head, haha)
But you were oblivious of it.
If only you knew. 
I know nothing of you but, John Doe.
My anxious eyes still do look for you in the crowd,
desiring for you to be there still so I know just where to find you,
and my thoughts do wander into a world of made-beliefs.
I will come and see you again.
Because I did not feel the least bit of alone,
when I was in actual fact alone.
You made it that way.
Thank you, M.

Beautiful Goodbye by Maroon 5.
A world of made-beliefs.
Silly, silly me.

Tuesday, October 8

The silent catalyst.

More often than not, we take things for granted and it's a habit we can't get rid of easily. It is true. I mean, can you blame us for that? At the end of the day, we were given what we were given and what extent of appreciation would suffice, right?

I'm blessed with all that I have and I will always be grateful of that, but there are days when I don't live up to the standard; times when I look past the beauty of it all. When I simply live life. How often do we sit down and ponder upon ourselves?

How often do we look at ourselves; our hands, our legs, our eyes, our ears, our nose, and imagine what would life be like if we hadn't had what we already have? Would we have given in and remain defeated? Or, would we have risen upon all the challenges?

Most of us look at ourselves in the mirror whilst adjusting our hair and say exasperatingly, "Nooo, today is not a good hair day." Some of us will smile and say, "I look fairly good today." But has anyone said "I'm glad I can see myself in the mirror."? HAS ANYONE ACTUALLY SAID THAT? Because I know I have not, and in certain ways, I'm sad I haven't actually said that. What am I waiting for? It is often quoted, "we always appreciate what's there until it's gone." Does that mean I'm waiting till the day I lose my sight before I actually do appreciate it? HELL NO! :(

"Read this slide and tell me...", the lecturer commands the class, pointing at the projected slide on the screen. Every other student would instantly divert their focus to the board, everyone but one girl, she would continue to stare blankly at her laptop, lost. (And yes, the fact that she could use a laptop, despite being unsighted, impresses me very much)

When a lecturer asks the class a question and you are unsure of the answer, you know you'd go with the majority answer when the other students raise their hands to what they perceive is the correct answer.
A - you see 3 students raising their hands
and you decide, okay, maybe not.
B - you see only 1 student raising his hand
and you believe there's a slim chance that B is the correct answer
C - you see more than half of the class raising their hands
and so you raise yours too, sighing with relief, "Phew, I got away with it."

But what about her? What would she do if she was stuck in your position, not knowing the answer. How would she know what the majority is? How would she get away from the trouble of being called for getting the wrong answer?

When the lecturer is reciting something and suddenly writes an important note down on the whiteboard, it is only normal for us students to automatically jot it down as we see the lecturer writing it. But what about the unsighted ones? How do they know what is going on? They wouldn't even know if something is being written on the board. They may even miss out on an important point to note. Does that really become a disadvantage? Do they deserve that disadvantage? Of course not.

In a huge class with many students, we don't always get the chance to sit in front, where many are of the opinion that it is better because paying attention during lectures becomes easier. But in the end, does it really boil down to where you sit in class to pay attention in class? Once, a few friends and I entered class late and ended up sitting at the last few rows in class. Yes, it was difficult to see what the lecturer was writing on the board, but that was only minor as the lecturer rarely wrote on the board. Suddenly, one of the students broke out, "Ah, I give up! I can't see anything! I don't even understand what is going on! I'm not going to pay attention already." And she went on chit chatting in class. Disrupting the other students who were TRYING to pay attention. Yes, of course that includes me, because I didn't see why the position we're sitting in class should affect us.

As a student, I'm surrounded with many, MANY books and these are not books I could evade from. Especially not during the assignments season. There will be books everywhere, from my table to the floor, to my bed, to the ironing board. EVERYWHERE. Because research needs to be done from these books. And as it is, we struggle and we do complain. A LOT. Yes, without a doubt, it is difficult. But, how can referencing and research be done for one without sight? How can comparisons between theories and opinions of authors be made? It is not impossible (This I know because she passed her assignments with really good results), but the effort that needs to be put in. Doubled, even tripled.

Finals came, and she bagged an A, which is not an easy achievement, I must say!
(Even I didn't manage to get an A)

"Of course, studying is all that she does. She doesn't have anything else to worry about."

I was disgusted upon hearing this comment when I told someone about her achievement. As if it wasn't already bad, that remark actually came from a smart person. I was taken aback by the really poor mentality of course, I had so much going on in my head at that moment, so much to confront but I remained silent. Baffled. SPEECHLESS. I honestly would have punched that person in the face so hard. Regretting that I didn't.

I know for a fact that that person wasn't the only one with such a disgraceful mentality. So, here's a shout out to you people with the similar mentality:

SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO WORRY ABOUT, YOU SAY?! Why of course, unlike you, she doesn't have 11 children and four wives to worry about, am I right? Oh, what a pity. HOW DO YOU POSSIBLY SAY SUCH A THING? It wasn't even her choice to lose her eyesight. She didn't choose to live like this. But look where she is today, just like you, she chose to read Law. She travels all the way from Klang to class every single day. WOULD YOU HAVE DONE THE SAME? With your mentality, I highly doubt you would have. So, quit being an ass and put a good head on that shoulder!

She was born like most of us. Without a disability. 
She had a glimpse of the world,
but her sight was robbed away from her due to an illness.
It wasn't of her choice to lose her sight.
But look where she is today, not broken. Not defeated.
Through strength, belief and heaps of determination,
She is an inspiration today. To many. To me.
She most certainly is someone I look up to, she keeps me going.
It is because of her that I believe 'everything will be alright.'
She's my motivator to stay awake in class, to pay attention in class. ;)

I was inspired. Of course I was. I have always been. And I will continue to be inspired by her.

The reason why I suddenly decided to blog about Jessy only now, despite being her classmate for the past few months, is because of this one incident which happened in class recently when the lecturer said:

"There was a cute boy, you know, yummy! One of my students. He was my motivator to come to class. You know, the one or two distinctive individuals to keep us going. Reason for survival. You have the same concept, right? Of course, if you come to class for someone, you come to see someone, to smell someone. (The lecturer's funny like that) If you say you come to class to study ah, that's sad you know."

So yes, that got me thinking if I had that motivator for me to go to class. And I surely do.
Jessy, this one's for you :)
Thank you. :')
p/s: Not that I'm motivated to go to class to smell you lah, haha!

But of course, please, I'm not all that innocent alright. There's a cute boy who motivates me to go to college too, okay ;) HAHA.

Okay, good night, thank you for reading! :P

Christine Ha,
winner of Masterchef US Season 3
We're undefeated!
Oh, cute boy ;)

Sunday, June 16

Little did she know.

Hello readers (if there are any) :D

It's my first time posting a blog with my phone. Wasn't intending to blog. But I was left with no options actually. Lost my only source where I could express myself; G. Resorted to blogging only because this is the one place I could still be invisible.

By the way I brought up this post, it is clear that this isn't going to be one of my cheerful, lighthearted, a-good-read posts. (My sincere apologies for that) But I can't hold it in any longer and bloggie, to you I count on.

"No matter what challenges that keeps us apart, we'll always find a way back to each other."
They did. They always did. But that isn't the case, this time. Does it really end there? ♡

"I chose to stay with him for all the things he's done right; not the one thing he's done wrong. I chose to forgive him."
He's not all that great and neither is she. But why is it that she could look pass all that and he couldn't? He let that stop them? Why? ♡

"Life's all about moments, of impact and how they change our lives forever. But what if one day you could no longer remember any of them?"
Did he forget everything? Did he let one thing ruin everything? ♡

"How do you look at the one you love and tell yourself it's time to walk away."
How do you? Because there has always been someone else, hasn't it? Why did she bother screwing her instincts when she could well be right? ♡

Every single day, they talked. And, when they finally didn't, they actually did something together. They could have had so much to talk about. All the heart-to-hearts. BUT, no. They never talked about it after that. It could not have reminded him of her (or could it?). Why would it? But, it reminded her of something. Showed her something. Made her realise what she has always been hiding from.
Little, did she know.

She cried. Because, she hated herself that much. She knew. This time, she knew. If only he knew that these tears streaming down her face are because she longed for him.

"We used to talk like lovers in the middle of the night. And now, we're hardly friends."
Were they just blank promises? Or was it just the easy way out? ♡

The Vow.
Still discovering.

Sunday, January 13

Middle of the road.

That day finally came and she knew she was hopeless. She was so near yet so far away from you. "I guess this is it, I made no effort to see you and I may not see you again for a very long time. There goes my opportunity," she said. But nonetheless, that very day she woke up feeling like a new person, a day she knew she could start sorting herself out and start pulling herself back together. She never knew how it was all going to happen nor what to expect but she was ready to embrace whatever that is brought at her. To explore again. To believe again. It was just one damn fine day; a silver lining.

There she was that afternoon, with her sister on their way to college. Until she felt something unusual. You know, they say 'a woman's intuition is never wrong', well this was one of those moments. She felt a person behind her but she dared not glance behind. She did not even dare to tell her sister about it. She just kept on walking, walking and walking. Talking to her sister pretending like everything was alright. She was without a doubt, worried. And then she realised that the person behind her was running. She became even more afraid but she pretended like the person was just someone rushing to class or work. But who was she kidding. She feared that the person, who had a male figure, was up to no good; a robbery, a snatch-theft, a kidnap. She felt as he got closer and before she could react, her thoughts were interrupted when he patted her on her right shoulder. "He's got me now. What should I do? Don't panic. I'll just give him whatever he demands for. Breathe. Everything's going to be alright." It was in the middle of the road when she turned and,
There you were.

Proximity to you was stirring. Words pale in comparison. Thoughts rapidly fell behind one another. Her feelings held in the balance were overwhelming. You came near and whatever is missing in her life, was found. But she was lost for words. She was just so starstruck. All she wanted to do was stare at you. Hold you close. In disbelief that it really was you.

"I ran all the way from X when they said they saw you," you said, panting.

She was flabbergasted. Such a pleasant surprise, that was. Such a thoughtful gesture. But she also wondered if she deserved it. She thought to herself of all the OTHER THINGS that you could have done but you did not do.

You didn't just ignore the fact that she was near.
You didn't just call her up to tell her about it.
You didn't just forget.
You didn't just leave.  
You didn't let the opportunity slip by. 
You took that leap of faith.

sealed with a hug. 

Dearest you,

You made her day. You made her genuinely happy and it's been a long while since she last felt that way. Or has there been anyone who has made her feel that way. It's amazing, the things you do. She couldn't hope for a better way to see you before you left. She was and still is ever so grateful of your effort. Your effort to see her. But this was all you. She was so caught up in the moment that she fell short for words and before she knew it, there you went and there she went. On separate directions. Here's what she would have said to you if she could.

"Thank you for running all the way just to see me. That says it all. We've gone through a lot together and it's amazing to know that I'm not alone in this. I would pause the time right now just so I could stay close to you for as long as possible but have a safe flight tomorrow and remember, I will always be here for you and I will always love you. Thank you for making me believe again, my little fighter. Thank you for everything, S." (and by now, tears should be streaming down my cheeks) (because they really are right now) -inception :P

Your best friend,

The little things you do, selfless little fighter.
Expect the unexpected. 
She talks about you like you put the stars in the sky.

Wednesday, December 12

My only escape.

Psssstt. *whispers* Here! Not so loud.

It's now 12:35am 12th December 2012. Yeah, the 121212 craze is going viral on Twitter and Facebook. Wishes being made. Miracles being hoped. A special day. To everyone. But, to me, this date has always been special. Why is that you asked? Well, it's Eunice's birthday, of course!

But the reason I'm posting this blog is not because it's dedicated to her. It's actually because I needed a place to hide, haha.

Usually, I wish my friends sharp at 12am on their birthdays (unless I eventually doze off before midnight). You know, so I could feel like the entire day is THEIR DAY. But I don't know what got into me this time. Probably because she wished me last on my birthday this year. I planned to do the same. But I didn't want to take the risk. Insecurities, you see. I didn't want her to think that I forgot her birthday. I mean, HOW CAN I EVER FORGET HER BIRTHDAY!? But, what if she does mistaken me? :\

Still contemplating whether or not to wish her now. Feeling not at ease. :(

OKAY. It's on. It shall be done differently this time. Hope everything goes well. Determined. :D

You mean the world to me.
Not only today will I love you, but every other day too.
I'd do anything to make you feel special.

Sunday, December 9

A rusty halo.

Ever felt like you've been taken advantage of?
Ever felt like you're under appreciated?
Ever felt like you're better off being mean?

I'm no saint but I'm nice. I know that because I hardly be mean to my friends (unless I really have to). I tend to lose my wits once in a while but that's only normal. At the end of the day, I'm human and I come with imperfections.

I always believed that if you treat a person well, you will be treated well in return. What goes around, comes around, right? Yeah. I believed that, too. Still do believe in it.

But more often than not, people take advantage of your niceness. God knows what has happened to this world. It is only a rare species who genuinely appreciates you for being nice. For being you. Now, everyone has an intention at the back of their minds. Bad intentions. And, one thing I know for sure, being taken advantage of isn't nice at all. It makes you feel so inferior. Like, someone has taken control over you.

It is because of that, people get tired of being nice. People get tired of caring. People get tired of tolerating. People get tired of compromising. People get tired of trying. People get tired of being the only one putting the effort. People lose hope. People lose faith. People stop believing in what they once believed.

The story of mine.
It's near impossible for me to stop trying. But I'm tired. I'm tired of all these.

Tired of being nice.
Because it just doesn't seem right. Nothing seems to go the way I want it to. Most of you make me feel that way, just foryourinfo.
Tired of tolerating with the nonsense some of you throw at me.
I can tolerate once, or twice. But I get tired. Tired of being at my losing end when you're being the winner.
Tired of being someone I'm not.
Someone you expect me to be. This is the end of it. R-I-P to the girl you used to know.
Tired of caring.
Because you couldn't care less about me.
Tired of being invisible. :(

What I'm trying to say is, there's a limit to everything. Stop fooling yourself by doing things others don't want you to do. It's your life. You make the decisions. Don't wake up and realise too late because yes, it could just slip away from you.

Why rusty halo, you ask? Well, it's actually a song by The Script but the title gave me a little inspiration. A perception of my own. Take the literal meaning of a rusty halo, it simply means, in my terms, 'Been nice for too long but was under appreciated, so stopped being nice'. Get it, now? :)

Rusty Halo by The Script
Stick with the people who saw you when nobody else did.
I got to shine my rusty halo.

Tuesday, November 27

When a song is perfect for the situation.

When We Collide by Matt Cardle.

I still believe,
it's you and me,
till the end of time.