Tuesday, November 27

That thought.

Have you ever wondered how things would turn out if you did something in an entirely different manner? Have you ever realised that if you did things differently, the outcome would be totally different? It could be better, but more often than not, it could also be worse. But you will never know what's coming at you unless you've actually done it.

Have you ever wished that you could have gone with a trial of both ways first and then opt for the better one instead of picking one and regretting it down the road?

There will always be the road not taken. The decision not chosen. The regret. Or, the relief. It happens too often. It's inevitable.

I always thought that I tried. I always thought that I gave my best. But when things still don't go my way, that is when it hits me that,
my best was never good enough.

But how exactly do we know how much effort to put in? Why do we always need that knock on the head to realise? Why can't we foresee the consequences beforehand?

I always wondered how my life would be if I did things differently. Always. Be it the biggest decision in my life or the littlest things I do.

I always wondered how my life would be if I didn't speak Mandarin. If I didn't go to a Chinese Primary School. Would my friends now still be my friends? Or, would I have turned out to be a stranger to them instead? Would they have treated me differently? I suppose so, but who am I to say right? YOU NEVER KNOW.

I always wondered how my life would be if I was more independent. If my parents hadn't loved and cared for me so much (some call it, OVER-protection, haha), would I still be the same or would I have gone wrong in all places? Would I have ended up living on the streets? Or, would I have been alright? Better, in fact? YOU NEVER KNOW.

I always wondered how my life would be if I chose to major other courses. Taken other paths. Would I have gone better off or worse off? YOU NEVER KNOW.

I always wondered how my life would be if I actually did one of those movie tricks, like dropping EVERYTHING and actually getting onto a plane with a friend who's leaving the country to further his/her studies instead of just farewells and goodbyes? What if I actually took that risk. Done something so crazy. YOU NEVER KNOW.

Those little things.

But this one thing has left quite a huge impact on me. Currently an emotional wreck. I always wondered what went wrong. What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong. What if I didn't make that move? What if I proved that I cherished you? But it is only now that I finally realised that it has been me all this while. I would say that I was too naive to realise it before this. Oh well, we learn, don't we? 

Isn't it ironic how you've seen all the good in a person, so much so that the good in them outshines all of their imperfections. No matter how hard you try, you can never hate that person? Why do I keep believing? Why don't I lose faith?
I don't like it when I'm being ignored.
I don't like it when I KNOW I'm being ignored.
I don't like how things have changed so drastically.
I don't like how I wish I did things differently.

But. One thing I don't like the most now is, I don't like how I'm not the only who sees the good in you anymore. I should be proud that I was right all this time. I was right in believing in you. You're amazing. AND I WAS RIGHT. But I can't jump in joy nor can I be happy when I should. I am happy that you're loved. But, why? WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY? Why do I feel like I'm no longer special when I just am a mere friend to you? Why do I fear of losing you when there really is nothing to lose? WHY?

It never occurred to me that I could actually NOT BE THERE FOR A FRIEND. Because, that just isn't me. But why. Why when it comes to you, things get so complicated? EVERY SINGLE TIME. Why do I always fail to be your friend? I get sick of myself, even. All talk but no action. Where was I when you called out for me? Where was I when you needed me? Where was I when YOU TRIED?

And then I sit down and weep, and wonder, why am I always the one trying. But smart little me (yes, with much sarcasm) never let you try. Never gave you the chance to try. Never thought you cared.

I miss you. I never thought it would be so hard. Because we always had it in distance. But now, I can't even show you that you're still constantly on my mind. It's almost a month now since we last talked. I'm close to feeling like we're strangers now. But I know, I know I'm wrong.

I just need you to tell me that you're alright.
I just need that leap of faith.

I really, really do miss you. And, I really, really need a chance to make it up to you. To do things differently. For you and I.

At the end of the day, it is always better to just live life the way it already is. Whatever circumstances the decision may bring us, perhaps we should THINK LESS and well, just accept it the way it is. Not as a mistake, but as a reason for us to keep on striving. Keep on fighting.

I miss you, H.
I will keep on fighting.
(Smartly, this time.)
Just give me that chance, that hope,
that reason to believe again.
x

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